Jake in the Wide World

My line of T-shirts

2006-08-29T14:57:00.000-04:00

It started as a joke and then it got serious and then I did something about it.

I went to Cafe Press and created a line of shirts and I am basing them on jokes, so far I have 5 design choices, but as I get more and more jokes, I will create them.

If you would like to wear a shirt designed my me, just visit my cafe press site.

I would love feedback too, if you know me and remember any of the jokes I spout out from time to time or just want to rip me a new one for thinking I could do this. You can also let me know if you like my designs but would want to see them on a mug, hat or tote bag.

Just another way for me to try and be creative.

Pop Culture Whore

2006-07-25T17:53:00.000-04:00

Okay, I have been working the late shift last week and 3 nights this week and this has given me plenty of time to:

a) learn a new programming language and
b) watch a lot of TV I wouldn't normally watch.

Today was a day when I was flipping through the channels to find VH1's World Series of Pop Culture. It is a show that has teams of three competing in a NCAA-esque bracket tournament of what seems like Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit. I was intrigued and in love. These teams of three had team names like Cheetara, Peanut Butter and Ginelli, Almost Perfect Strangers, The Velvet Rope Revival and El Chupacabra and they have cute logos that I believe they created themselves.

This combines everything I love; Trivia, Graphic Design, and Team play. Then to top this all off, I watched the hour long show and answered questions at an 83% clip!

So, I thought, if I could find other gurus like me to join forces and challenge in the WSPC I could maybe win money or at the very least, be on TV.

I thought of my good friend Shicks as being a perfect team member with his vast knowledge of things you don't need to know.

Anyone else interested?

10 Pictures

2006-07-19T18:38:00.000-04:00

I took 10 pictures to create this spinning feature. I call it the White Trash Jake. I added flare effects and wore a ball cap to seem more incognito.

If I had more cameras

2006-07-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

I was recently at a wedding and the last song of the night a group of people stood in a circle and danced to "Closing Time." Well I watched this guy circle the outside of the circle taking photos and I thought, "If only there were 16 photographers around the outside of the circle with their cameras at the same exact height, I could make an animated GIF that would be fun.

Recently I got a hold of the photos that came from that dancing circle and I thought, well maybe I will try anyway, but it looks crazy weird and not good.

Here was the attempt...

I want to put together an example of what I wanted it to look like, so I will try that later...

When it Rains

2006-07-13T19:08:00.000-04:00

Long have I longed to be on some rag tag sports team or a group of aging men/women who just want to exercise in a form that doesn't necessarily seem like exercise. Softball was the first sport that came to mind. New York can be a difficult place to get these groups together because of the high cost, but I kept searching through my company and elsewhere in hopes of catching on. I just want to play all or any sports that i can, when I can.

I have a group of guys I work with who have been playing pick up basketball on Saturdays. I "played" a few times last year and scored, count them, 2 points. So basketball has never been my strong suit, I have deep respect for those who play and are good though. I will still continue to play because it is a work out and I don't feel as though I am working out. It is nice that way.

I am hoping in the coming months I can also rope some friends into playing Tennis with me. Whether they be good or bad, I don't care, I just want to get out there and play.

Well, why did I call this entry "When it Rains?" Today I received an email from someone in my company who is trying to set up a softball team and I put in my "please consider me" email. Then not long after that, a friend asked if I could take her boyfriend's place on their soccer team because they are leaving town. I said yes! I'm not a good soccer player, but I am willing to learn and go out there and try. I admit that I got in the World Cup and I enjoyed it and I definitely have the utmost respect for those guys running up and down the field for 90 minutes. I also learned a few lessons, it is bad to head butt someone in the chest, even if they call you a "son of a terrorist whore."

So, I am ready to join two fall leagues and play my guts out.

Brush off my jersey with the number 10 and put me in the game coach!

Pickle Request

2006-07-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

Okay, not exactly how I would like it, but not too bad. I would need to really delve more into the program to get this to be up to the quality that I like, but I hope you enjoy the pickle request.

Flash drawing details

2006-07-03T11:50:00.000-04:00

I know I posted a bunch of drawings that I did last week and I showed only the completed drawings. Well I realized that I have always been an artist (dare I call myself that without sounding pompous?) that has had extreme interest in the process. Well, I got to thinking that it is possible while drawing in flash to break it up in to small segments and show how I do the drawing. That is exciting, no? Well, I chose to drawing my adventurous friend Cos for taking a few of us on a 15 mile adventure this past weekend.

So, hopefully you will enjoy my little drawing.

P.S. Blogger wouldn't let me post a direct swf file, so I had to link it.

Cheers to My Sister

2006-06-30T10:29:00.000-04:00

She is now the proud mother of another boy born today at 9:50am, a little over 2 hours after she dropped me off at the bus stop.

The Cronicles of Bush

2006-06-27T13:07:00.000-04:00

As promised, I had a little fun with our president, I drew the image in Corel which can lend itself very easily to make subtle and not so subtle changes.

Here are some of the fun things I did with our dear Mr. President.

The 70's George

The Batbush

Either Thuggy George
or Mr. Clean Bush

Well, I didn't really do anything to this one.

Bushelbub...The Bush of Darkness... George W. Bush

Little Georgie.

Busha Claus

Beachy Bush

The Gay Blade Bush

More Corel

2006-06-26T11:09:00.000-04:00

I spent a few minutes digging up some drawings I have done in Corel throughout my stint at the Snuggly Kitten and Puppy Killing Factory (SKPKF) and I decided to share it with you guys.

To Start, we have Eric, Godfrey, James, Marlon, me and Spencer.

Stay tuned, because I did some fun things with a drawing I did of the President. They will all be based on this drawing:

Corel

2006-06-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

I decided, while I was working, to play with a little more detailed drawing -- this time I chose an actual subject, my very special someone. My stipulations were to only use the freehand tool, meaning that I had to draw every element. I used a photo of her, that I had, to compare.

This is the end result...

Drawing Programs

2006-06-21T16:13:00.000-04:00

I work with a lot of programs on the computers at work and home, I have designed websites amongst other things, well I decided to draw a few pictures using three very different applications, Corel, MS Paint and Flash. I did it all for shits and giggles. I decided that I would share it all with you.

Well, for me it is much more tricky to draw with a mouse than a pen or pencil, but I do enjoy it.

the first one is done in MS Paint.

this one was done in Corel

and this one was done in Flash

Driving upstate and no ticket!

2006-06-20T12:31:00.000-04:00

Yes, for those of you who actually read my Putnam County drama post blog, you will be happy to know that I drove a lot over this past weekend and didn't get one ticket.

I picked up my sister's car on Thursday of last week and began driving the 5+ hours to Little Valley, NY where I stayed in a Bed and Breakfast. I drove up route 17, which was risk in itself for tickets, seeing that every 50 feet or so there were signs warning people. The signs read, "GET TWO TICKETS IN A WORK ZONE AND LOSE YOUR LICENSE." That intimidated me. I don't use my license much, but I don't want to lose it either.

After my stay in the b&b, I drove another hour and half to Chautauqua, NY, ticket free! I went there to attend a wedding and found out that 3 other driving guests had been issued tickets on the way there. I sigh the sweet sigh of relief that I, for once, wasn't in the group of cited law breakers.

Not that I didn't speed, I usually kept myself 10 miles over the speed limit, but no more. That being said, I was still lauded for being a very careful driver. Well, maybe not lauded, but ridiculed.

I couldn't relax just yet, I knew that I had to drive back too, so I couldn't be too comfortable with the state of things at that point. I must be wary that there is at least 7 more hours of driving ahead of me, which is plenty of time to get a ticket.

So Sunday arrives and it is time for me to leave my beautiful little, cheap apartment in Chautauqua. The place was beautiful, the wedding was lovely and the weather was absolutely spectacular.

The car was packed with luggage, Jane, Stella and another friend and we were off. Some 12 hours later, I was returning the car to my sister and as I pulled into her driveway a cop pulled up behind me.

Nah, the was no cop as I turned the engine off and completed my epic journey without a ticket. I am poorer for the gas, but not because of my need for speed.

Super Bloggers V

2006-06-12T23:38:00.000-04:00

No, I didn't forget to continue my super bloggers series and here is the mighty crafty CosCreative!

Able to produce works of art quickly to freeze villains in their place while staring in awe at the creative power of CosCreative!

The Super Bloggers combine to become a force that makes the bad guys shake in their boots! Keep up the good work League of Bloggers!

Super Bloggers IV

2006-06-09T09:03:00.000-04:00

Subject to Change, the wild master of disguises and a shape shifter. She could be anyone, you never know. A southern belle? Quite possibly. She enters the league of the Super Bloggers as the mysterious one from New Jersey.

This was the entry that won me over, I hope you have since replaced your iPod.

Nice copper and silver tights!

This one I reworked a bit on the computer, i figure that is part of my talent too right?

Also, a special thanks to Jane for posing in this position while I drew it.

Super Bloggers III

2006-06-07T23:11:00.000-04:00

Here we are introduced to the Mighty Michellephant, master of lists and the strength of an elephant! Although diminutive in stature, she is large in might!

Super Bloggers Part II

2006-06-06T23:21:00.000-04:00

Ah yes, Lady Still, the most powerful crotch in all the world. With fireballs of orgasms that she hurls at men and women from inches to miles away. Watch out criminals, she'll make you wet yourself!

Stella Still is one of the more entertaining bloggers and I love anything as blunt as her entries. Keep it up Stella.

Comics Books and Bloggers

2006-06-05T23:50:00.000-04:00

I am a certifiable geek, nerd, doof, whatever you want to call me, I don't really care now. I have a bachelor's in art with an emphasis in drawing. I guess at one point I wanted to be an artist. What do these two things have in common? I'm glad you asked. I love comic books (GEEK! NERD! etc.) and that was one of my main reasons for going into the Art field. I don't do that anymore, but it lingers. I doodle like crazy, especially when I am on the phone. I want to share most of my doodles and I will eventually, but then I thought maybe there can be some way to reward those people who actually read and comment on my blog. I decided, with special thanks to CosCreative and Xmen 3 being released, that I would create the Super Blog Heros.

I started with Jane Gavin or Super Jane, if you will (for some of you it is obvious why).

What's her power? Razor sharp witty rebuttal and the black bar of justice as per her sunglass entry (still one of the funniest posts of all time).

Power it on, Jane!

Oh yes, my friends, this will be a series! I will create a superhero for you, you who have commented on my blog, but only those that have responded prior to this post.

RNM — Part 8 (FInal) Country Music

2006-06-01T13:02:00.000-04:00

In the initial post that started it all I mentioned that I went to high school in a relatively rural place. That leads to the final instalment of the Retrospective Nostalgic Music series. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed looking up these songs and blazing a trail down memory lane. Country was never my forte, while I do appreciate and respect artists like Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Sr,, Willie Nelson, and Dolly Parton, I don't really care for soime other artists that have that twang and write ridiculous songs. I also have a deep rooted hatred for anything Toby Keith, I dare say that he is a douche. That being said, I did compile a list, again using my resources (mom and sis) to help and I put together this list. I don't have as much blurbs as the previous instalments so you will have to survive on the list alone.

10. I Sang Dixie — Dwight Yoakam
Didn't they all sing "Dixie?" Not only did Dwight sing dixie, he sang it while "he" (whoever he is) died What kind of a name is Yoakam? I think this song was in the top 10 all through the late 80s.

9. I Told You So — Randy Travis
Randy was a popular cat back in the day and always had songs in the top 10 of the country charts. I remember he had a deep silky voice, but he still sang country.

8. Timber, I'm Falling in Love — Patty Loveless
Ah, a great country song about falling in love with trees. Nah, I'm kidding, it is a metaphor…or is it an analogy? Who cares? I think Loveless is a horrific name to go through life with though. It is kind of sad really.

7. Yellow Roses — Dolly Parton
This may be weird for a straight male to say, but I love Dolly Parton and not for her boobs. I think she is cute and not a bad actress (loved 9 to 5). She was still making hits when I was in high school, does that make me old? She came close to winning an Oscar recently, no? Yes. It is just an honor to be nominated.

6. Who's Lonely Now — Highway 101
My sister said that all the cool people were listening to this song in their pick up trucks. I asked, "Cool people, listening to country music in a pick up truck?" Sounds to me like an anomaly! She doesn't care for it much when I make fun of country music and tells me I need to broaden my music tastes. I tell her to go fuck herself! Nah, I say, "Yeah, I should."

5. Jukebox in My Mind — Alabama
My mother loves Alabama, the group not the state, I mean you loves the state of Alabama? Anyone? Anyone? I actually have memories of my mother playing Alabama on vinyl, that's right a record, an album. I don't care for them, but they made the list of memories/

4. You Really Had Me Going — Holly Dunn
Yep, hurtful break ups and seeing your old love with his new love, all this song needed was a dying dog and boom, instant country! This had to make the list because the country girls listened to this when their boyfriends would break up with them.

3. When I Call Your Name — Vince Gill
Read the one above and transplant the man for a woman. A country Dear John as it were. I thought if you were a country man you weren't supposed to cry, what the hell Vince?

2. Don't Rock the Jukebox — Alan Jackson
I remember seeing Alan Jackson everywhere in my small rural Florida town, not actually him, but pictures and posters and CDs and yadda yadda. I didn't know what song would best represent him, being that I am not a fan, but I figured all his songs are so great (to people that like him) that any song would do. I also like Jukeboxes and I wanted two songs with Jukebox in the title

1. Friends in Low Places — Garth Brooks
No country singer was more popular than Garth Brooks when I was in high school and I have to admit I kind of like him. Not his music, but him. I still remember when he played a whore on Saturday Night Live's game show parody "This Old French Whore." Props Garth, props. Anyways, this song was popular in all the bars and everyone seemed to know it so it became a huge bar sing along type of song. "Where the Whiskey runs and the beer chases my blues away." Nice.

Okay, so here ends the rip roaring fun that has been my first series of lists, songs heard in my high school years. Thanks to all those who provided feedback, I am glad you took the tie to enjoy the trip with me.

Special Thanks to Michelephant for the idea to do a list. Until next time, later.

RNM — Part 7 Pop Music

2006-05-30T17:44:00.000-04:00

I was not a fan of pop. I had to really think hard (it hurts) and call my sister to get this list together. If anyone would know what was radio hits back in the day it would be her and my mom. Anyways, it took me a bit of time and I am sorry for those of you (read: you and you alone) chomping at the bit to hear the pop hits of my high school years.

I guess I am pointing out my difficulty with this because I would love more feedback on the list. When I say feedback, I mean your help, and by "your help" I mean embarrass yourselves too. I admit that I had a good time compiling this list and it made me smile and even laugh at certain points. I can't believe people listened to these songs, but I also know them and when I hear them, I can typically sing along, that's how much they were played. Anyways, I am severely smudging the good Dalton name, but here goes my list of POP, POP, Pop music, talk about, pop music:

10. I Want to Sex You Up — Color Me Badd

What a horrible name for a group and what an awful song, these guys were very blunt about what they wanted and they sang about it. I'm glad that trend is gone…uh…right? Whatever, it will be and always have been guy bands and solo artists who embarrass the male race from time to time, in my high school years these guys did it. So why did it make the list? I remember boys trying to practice it for the talent show and not being allowed to sing it. I always liked to think it wasn't because of the sexual content, but because it sucked.

9. Nothing Compares 2 U — Sinead O'Connor

Sure Sinead spent time on the MTV show 120 minutes as an alternative rocker/artist, but when you sing a sappy love song written by Prince, you are now a pop star! Congrats. I can't remember one girl who didn't like this song. Even today it is hard to find a girl who hated it.

8. Eternal Flame — The Bangles

I thought Susanna Hoff was so hot and I admit that I would watch this video enough to know that I wanted to sex her up (hmm…I should write a song about it). So, I know the words, all of them. This does fall into that cheesy "this is how love can be" genre that fooled maybe a high school student into thinking that the person they are with they will be with forever!

7. Blame it on the Rain — Milli Vanilli

I had to, HAD TO put this on the list because it was one of the funniest things I could remember when I was in high school. Lip syncing Grammy winning dread lock wearing twins who think they are good dancers, I'm kidding, they weren't twins.

6. Like a Prayer — Madonna

Madonna is still around and probably is a part of everyone's high school experience so this was a safe song on my list. I chose like a prayer because it was the only video that I watched that I found myself attracted to Madonna. It is also the video that made her lose her deal with Pepsi. Fuck Pepsi.

5. Lost in your Eyes — Debbi Gibson

The mall rats were clamouring in hopes of catching a glimpse of this flash in a pan. Although, Deborah made a name for herself on Broadway later on she was a teen boppy, mall popping idol. She appears to me to be a precursor to the Brittney Spears and Jessica Simpsons. This was a sweet love ballad that had that same Nothing Compares 2 U, Eternal Flame vibe.

4. Dirty Diana — Michael Jackson

Who could forget when Michael Jackson tried and failed to be a real man? I could possibly believe that he was male, but not some bad ass that liked raunchy women. Sorry Michael, it didn't work, still to Man in the Mirror and Black and White type songs. Make the world a better place and stop touching the boys.

3. Never Gonna Give You Up — Rick Astley

Okay, this will bring me shame I am sure, but I actually liked Rick Astley. The guy had a big voice and I just liked his cheese ball lyrics. Every once in a while, for no reason I will break into singing this song trying my damnedest to imitate Rick's voice and it is good fun.

2. I Think We're Alone Now — Tiffany

You never wanted to get caught in the perfect mall storm with Tiffany in front of Burdines (Florida reference) and Debbi in front of Dillards or there was a possible that not only would you be trampled, but your ears would be pierced with thousands of shrieks of young girls and boys who didn't know just yet (wink). I give full props to Tiffany for bringing back a classic Tommy James and the Shondells song and introducing it to a young audience, but I prefer turning to the oldies station for that one.

1. Heaven is a Place on Earth — Belinda Carlisle

I do know what it's worth! It seemed in my senior year this song was everywhere and topping charts (although it might never have topped a chart), but I did have a little special place in my heart for the Go-Gos and I wanted Belinda to do well. I didn't exactly care for this song, but one night I truly enjoyed watching a bunch of girls getting excited and dancing in a female circle at the Culture Club last year and singing every word to this song. Such appeal! Congrats Belinda for being my POP number one!

I know some of you out there are who are giggling thinking of me driving around in my Mitsubishi and singing these songs at the top of my lungs. That didn't happen. Much. Next time we do this, it will be country. Again I will need to enlist my mother and sister and perhaps some old high school friends.

Please add what you remember from these years, I would to hear your choices.

RNM—Part 6 General Rock

2006-05-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

As soon as all the kids started moving away from Poison, Skid Row and all those glam bands that were claiming to be rock n' roll they started to realize that there was real rock n' roll on the radios and on the tube. I wasn't sure how to put these particular songs into a category of their own, so I thought I would just put together a list of broad rock. No, I don't mean female rock; I mean a larger umbrella to cover a broader range. I have a lot of these albums to this day, jammed into my little precious, music giving iPod. That's right, sitting in there next to my punk, alt rock and show tunes. What? I can't have show tunes? Damn.

This era was what really brought the move alternative and grunge to the foreground, I think this is a bit harder than Alternative Rock, but not in the metal or glam genres. Right in between in that Elvis Presley would approve kind of way. So here goes, what I will call the Rock Ten.

10. Come as you are — Nirvana
Everybody was lining up to suck on the teat of Nirvana, oh, how everyone loved Kurt Cobain. I actually thought Nirvana was a bit overrated, that's why they are only at 10. I can't deny their popularity and helping other groups move to the foreground though, so they appear on this list. I do like Dave Grohl however.

t-9. Suicidal Blond — INXS
INXS won't be the same, as many bands that lose their lead singers and try to replace them. You move on though and I wish them well, but in the late 80s and early 90s they were a rocking good band. There were other good songs to choose, but Suicidal Blond was the one that stuck out the most in my memory.

t-9. Killing in the Name — Rage Against the Machine
Our first tie, I had trouble with trying to get one of these ten out and I finally gave in. To be honest I wanted to make a tie in the Alternative Rock, but didn't, but I felt like Rage was such an important part of the end of my high school years I had to keep them in. In my life I have been hired three times when prior to the interview I was listening to Rage Against the Machine. Coincidence? Probably.

8. Epic — Faith No More
What is it? Seriously, I don't know if I ever met anyone who didn't like this song. It rocked on all levels and was fun. Faith No More always came across as a garage band that hit it big and they were just having a great time. This song seemed to appeal to so many people who liked so many different genres. I think it even made it into the top 40.

7. Man in the Box — Alice in Chains
I can attribute Layne's voice to liking this song, but why are their so many rock stars that die the same way? Why don't they seem to learn from others' mistakes? Members of Alice in Chains and Soundgarden, including the dreamy Chris Cornell, called Temple of the Dog, but without Layne Staley Alice in Chains will never been a group again.

6. Dirty Boots — Sonic Youth
I think Sonic Youth is one of the best bands out of New York, but they never got a lot of play, this song made it to the radio though and some got to some that wouldn't have heard of Sonic Youth otherwise. I just like the crunchiness of this band.

5. Mysterious Ways — U2
I actually got to see U2 Live in Lakeland, Fl and although I am not a U2 fan, they put on a great show. It seemed as though this song was on all the time the year I graduated, either on the radio or blasting out of someone else's car. U2 is still cranking out hits to this day too, weren't they formed in 1981? That's longevity.

4. Rusty Cage — Soundgarden
Okay, okay, I had a man crush of Chris Cornell. He was a lot of what I thought I wanted to be back then. He is an attractive man with a powerful voice. He also could play the drums. I still sort of follow him from Soundgarden, to Temple of the Dog (with members if Alice in Chains), to his solo project and now with Audioslave (with members of Rage Against the Machine).

3. Black — Pearl Jam
I know you thought I was going to pick Jeremy as the Pearl Jam song, it was so prophetic and really spoke to the youth of that day, right? Nope! Black was a better song and I don't care who knows I said it. Pearl Jam is just a good band and they are strong willed, I don't think anyone could ever claim that they sold out.

2. Stop! — Jane's Addiction
Jane's Addiction is one of my all time favorite bands. Nothing Shocking is one of the best albums of all time. I chose Stop! From a different album because it was the first CD I owned, it was Ritual do la Habitual. Stop! was fast and hard and it was excellent driving music. Really if you have never listened to Perry Farrell's group (who went on to create the band Porno for Pyros) you just don't know what you are missing.

1. Where is My Mind? — The Pixies
I loved the Pixies. I thought they rocked in so many ways and I still do. Frank Black and Kim Deal (who formed the Breeders later) were excellent together and this song was the anthem for all my friends. Again this is another song and group that could have easily been put in the alternative rock or punk sections, but I like it being number one in the rock genre! It gained popularity again in the late 90s as it was the exiting music for Fight Club.

Bored yet? Only 2 more installments left. Pop and Country. Anyone want a CD of any of these lists? A combination of them perhaps? Let me know. I might know a guy who knows a guy.

Side Blog Entry — The People I Have Been Told I Look Like

2006-05-25T14:30:00.000-04:00

As per the Heavy Metal entry (read below), I said I would add this piece to it:

I tend to have a face that people recognize, I hear a lot of things such as, "You look like this cousin of mine," or "I swear I know you, did you go to So-and-So University? Work at This particular restaurant," and so on and so forth. When I was a bartender, back in the day, it was always celebrities of which I would remind people. So, I thought that I would have a do they look like me or not (of course this is geared more towards those who know me and have seen me). Those who have never seen me can now imagine that I am one of the following.

If you have any additions or comments, I am always happy that you are taking the time, thanks. Here's the most common people to which I have been likened:

Stephen Dorff

Ethan Hawke

Christian Slater

Brett Favre

James Hetfield

RNM—Part 5 Heavy Metal

2006-05-25T12:31:00.000-04:00

Tim and Ed were the guys with whom I rode my bike to school in the mornings and home in the afternoon
(This was pre-Mitsubishi). They had tight rolled skull pants, a general concert T-shirt, peach fuzz moustaches and some variation of a mullet. We got along because they were funny, but our music tastes as well as style choices didn't quite match up. That's okay though, I still don't choose my friends by the music in which they listen nor the clothes the wear or the style of their hair, facial or headial. (I made that word up, nice).

I did however spend time hanging with them to get to know what songs they liked and the bands that etched on every notebook, piece of paper, sidewalk, power line post, or back of another students head. So this is my Heavy Metal list:

10. Sober — Tool
I think this song was placed at 10 because I don't know if it really belongs in the heavy metal category, but it is rather hard and fast in that metal way. It is also a really good song and I used to crank it up in my car. If anyone remembers the video, it has these little puppet like things in cobwebs and other disturbing images.

9. War Pigs — Ozzy Osbourne
Ozzy Osbourne wasn't always the seemingly senile old man on his reality show, he was a hard rocker and after leaving Black Sabbath did tons of his own things. Ed (mentioned above) in particular seemed to have an Ozzy shirt for everyday of the week. Ozzy was the name etched on all his notebooks. I believe he would have had it embroidered on his backpack if it were cool to have things embroidered. (This is actually his cover of his own Black Sabbath song, but details, details).

8. Read Between the Lines — Slayer
I think Slayer got the most accusations for being Anti-Christian and devil worshipers. To me it was all a stage persona, much like most musicians. They were hard, fast and difficult to understand at times, much like Tim and Ed.

7. Mary Jane— Megadeth
I actually really enjoyed Megadeth for some reason, Dave Mustaine was an obvious drunk any interview, like most of these metallers, but he was funny and I respect that. This song was typical of the heavy metal vibe with some reference to hell.

6. The Prophecy — Iron Maiden
Now if you have ever seen an Iron maiden CD they have this character on it that looks like something along the lines of a mummy. Well, that was the Iron Maiden logo basically and every hesher would try to draw that guy on their folders, their notebooks, or when you had to cover your books for class and you used a paper bag to do it (Remember?!), they were covered with this guy.

5. Slaughterama — GWAR
Come on, GWAR was the ultimate go see live spectacle. If you haven't heard of GWAR, they are these guys that dress up in these huge outfits that look like they are out of a JRR Tolkein book (The Ogres) and the put on a show that involves tons and tons of fake blood and elaborate executions. If they weren't so hard rocking, they would be the Collesium in Rome when it was open.

4. Who Made Who — ACDC
For some reason, a bunch of us got caught up in the cheesiness of this Emilio Estevez movie called Maximum Overdrive. It was fun yet bad, but we liked it and watched it every time it came on HBO or whatever channel it came on. Well, Who Made Who was on that soundtrack and my sister actually became one of the biggest ACDC fans I knew. That was the only time her and my friend Tim bonded.

3. Enter Sandman — Metallica
Before this song was used my every closing pitcher in baseball it was on the lips of every long haired boy with bad moustaches. Metallica was the number one Head Banging band in high school. They were even able to reach out to people outside the heavy metal circles. To me this song was overplayed and I heard it sung so much by these boys (Ed and Tim) that I grew very tired of it.

As I get older, I often get told I look like the lead singer James Hetfield. I've been told I look like a lot of people so I just add it to my list. Maybe I will do a blog entry of all the people I have been told I look like through the years.

2. Civil War — Guns N Roses
This one goes just after graduation. I was car pooling to college that year with a guy named Derek who had one CD in his car. Not that he didn't have other CDs, just that's the only one he would listen to. So for my first semester of college I heard Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 over and over and over again. Some of these songs are stuck in my head. Help!

1. I'm the Man — Anthrax
Okay, this one goes first, I loved this song. I always seem to have this love for quirky lyrics and just plain giddiness in songs. This is usually recorded during their live shows. It was more of a heavy metal band trying to do rap with a heavy metal undertone…good times, good times.

Okay, so this wasn't my strongest nor was near to my favorite genre of the times, but I did catch on to some of it and appreciated the merits of others. The main thing was that it was music that was liked by my friends and sister. I have great memories of riding around with Ed and Tim as they sang these songs in a very Beavis and Butthead kind of way. I also have memories of ACDC blasting out of my sister's Mercury Lynx.

Eventually I will get to a genre you all know. Maybe I should go to the POP, POP, pop music!

Until next time.

RNM—Part 4 Alternative Rock

2006-05-24T16:50:00.000-04:00

Ready for Part 4? The moody, sulky sounds of Alternative rock are the filler for this installment. I had all of these CDs and I still have most of them to this day. They hold up, if you go to a club and they pull out one of these gems, you can look around the room and most likely see more people than you expected singing along.

This list was very difficult for me to order because I have such strong memories of all of them in one way or another, whether it was standing in the corner of the Club called Visage trying to get the attention of the Goth chicks by looking as morose as possible or taking my first solo, amp on No-Doz, blasting the stereo road trip.

10. Chains of Love — Erasure
Erasure fits in this genre even though they don't seem to. They are upbeat and fun, but their high pitch voices worked well with their synthetic sounds and maintained a broody feel. I threw a party once and it was packed. The day I realized that my Erasure CDs were gone and never to be seen again. I can't help wondering if someone really liked Erasure or really hated them.

9. Peek-A-Boo — Siouxsie and the Banshees
Golly jeepers, where did you get those peepers? Ah, Siouxsie, the cleverly spelled Susie and her bandshees, how I fantasized about you. I fell in love with Siouxsie's voice and her 1930s look. The video was pretty fun too.

8. Veronica — Elvis Costello
Okay, I happened to have been really crushin' on a girl named Veronica at the time I really got into this song, but Elvis Costello (who could easily move into the punk genre as well) was a wordsmith and I enjoyed the sadness of this particular song. I was smart enough to listen to the words before I thought about singing it to Veronica. No girl wants to know that she is old, senile and her beauty has faded. Props to the song Allison too, but I didn't have a crush on any Allison.

7. Under the Milky Way — The Church
I wish I knew what you were looking for. I loved, loved this song, I couldn't put my finger on why, but it would stick with me all day. As if I would find some kind of secret to life in its words, I would write them on my notes at school. I didn't find the secrets of life, but I still love that damn song.

6. Dear God — XTC
Well Andy Partridge openly blasts God and the belief of him in this song, but damn, it is powerful. It is his take on the human condition and he doesn't think things are so pretty and nice. Top it off with a boy singing at the beginning and the end and it gave it a slightly creepy feeling.

Many times this song comes to be my head when I see things going on in the world. I'm already a sinner and a heathen.

5. Regret — New Order
The album Substance meant so much more to be, but I had been taken so many liberties with years of releases that I thought I would try harder in this one. I know I failed. This is from New Order's album Republic and New Order helped me get through my first road trip alone. I listened to Substance and Republic practically on a loop in my 8 hour drive from Orlando to Atlanta.

4. Clean — Depeche Mode
I know most people would have chosen Enjoy the Silence or Personal Jesus from this era, but I had this special place in my heart for Clean. It was slow and soulful for an alternative rock song, but it still had that alternative sound driving it. The aforementioned drive to Atlanta in the previous song was so I could see these guys live. Great Concert. Hey, didn't Depeche Mode just release a new album (er...CD)?

3. Losing My Religion — REM
Yes, a song that I liked that actually made the top 10 of the charts. It is also the second song that questions religion. Not as blasphemous as XTC's, but still a good song about searching within. Michael Stipe has a voice I envied, it wasn't the greatest, but there is just something about it that I couldn't get out of my head.

2. How Soon is Now? — The Smiths
There are so many Smiths songs that I like so it was hard to put just one, but I chose this song, because man, it would get the previously mentioned club (Visage) singing. I remember certain times they would turn the music down all the way at certain points and let the crowd sing it. That was pretty amazing. I always liked when I saw concerts and the artists would do that. Besides that, it is just a good fucking song (in all aspects).

1. Just Like Heaven — The Cure
Every boy dedicated this song to a girl once in their life, well, maybe not the heshers (i.e. metal heads, head bangers). Robert Smith is moody, but he loves and he writes such beautiful songs. Again, this is another group that had tons of songs of which I could choose, but I had to narrow it down to this one because it was the one that really opened my eyes to them. When I heard their older stuff finally I knew other songs could have done that, but it took this one.

Moving right along! Are you bored yet? I have more in the works. We still have at least Rock, Heavy Metal and Country. If you have any suggestions, send them my way. I love to hear about songs that stand out for you in all genres.

See you for the next sequel!

RNM—Part 3 Punk Rock/Hardcord

2006-05-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

I actually wore this on my shirt in high school. Yes, I knew what it meant.-->

In high school, I was a punk I guess. I mean if I absolutely had to have a label, it was a punk, I wore T-shirt with punk bands and jeans and some sort of Vans, Airwalk, VSW hybrid shoe. I had a skateboard and busted up knees.

I hated the labels though, I also tried out for the baseball team, was in National Art Honor Society, AP Chemistry, assistant directed a play or two and worked at Ponderosa as a dishwasher/waiter/buffet maintainer (it was a Steak House that is now defunct). Clearly I belong in no one category.

This holds true for my music too, but I did have a special fondness for punk/hardcore music that it was my music of choice for the most part. This all means that part 3 of my series is about punk rock/hardcore music.

I am aware that I am leaving off many groups that were instrumental in starting the punk rock movement (the Clash, Blondie, etc.), but I wanted to isolate an era, my high school era. Although I move back a little prior to the actual years, I thought moving back a decade was really stretching it.

10. Paper Lanterns — Green Day
This was prior to all their fans leaving them to be replaced by the mainstream, the were and still are an excellent punk band. This song is sensitive for punk, but it has the great fast sound that was prevalent.

9. Knowledge — Operation Ivy
Some people might know the Green Day version of this song better, that sort of cowboy-ish variation, but this song really was meant to be fast and hard and Operation Ivy rips it up.

8. Good Guys Don't Wear White — Minor Threat
I don't think I could have a list of punk rock without my boys in Minor Threat and Ian MacKaye in particular. This might slightly pre-date my actual high school years, but it was definitely a song that I identify with those years.

7. Waiting Room — Fugazi
Yes Ian MacKaye fronts this band too. I actually had a first date with a girl at a Fugazi concert. Yes, I know what you are thinking, "What a gee golly romantic guy." When the moshing started, I was the protector. The relationship eventually ended, but the group and this song still live on.

6. Skin Deep — All
The thing I liked about punk was that anyone could do it, you needed minor skill, but the one skill had to be a good message. In high school you are surrounded by people you think are fake. Most likely they are trying to figure themselves out and sometimes, they are just that big of an asshole. All encompassed that feeling I had when I would go to school.

5. Walk Together, Rock Together — 7 Seconds
This was the group I saw at my first ever punk show at Janis' Landing in St. Petersburg, Fl. I did my first stage dive to Walk, Together Rock Together and the lead singer let me and a couple of other people help in one verse of their rendition of 99 Red Balloons. That is what I thought a concert should be. Of Course I was 15, in shape and energetic. I am none of those things now. I still remember that concert though.

4. Possessed to Skate — Suicidal Tendencies
Any self-respecting skater in this era couldn't say they were a skater without listening to Possessed to Skate. This is borderline heavy metal, but I thought I would keep them with the hardcore punk bands because they seem to fit so nicely. This was fast, hard and made you want to skate that way. And I did and I have the scars to prove it.

3. We've Got a Bigger Problem — Dead Kennedys
This one is close to my heart, I remember riding around in my friend's karma ghia listening to this at top volume and delving into my first realization that I was a liberal. GASP! NO! Yes, a punk rock kid from Florida is a liberal! Jello Biafra was my guide and the Dead Kennedy's were a great vehicle. This was an earlier song as well, I believe 1984 actually, but it permeated my daily trips around town throughout high school.

2. Do What You Want — Bad Religion
"Say what you must, do all you can, break all the fucking rules and Go to hell with Superman and die like a champion, yeah hey!" What kid didn't want to hear this when they began to rage against the machine. Greg Graffin (lead singer) was one of two men who made me want to pursue my master's degree, my father was the other. I actually listened to Bad Religion on my iPod yesterday, proof how they are still hanging around.

1. Start Today — Gorilla Biscuits*
I was slightly dismayed to hear that this song had been covered by Fall Out Boy recently for the Grand Theft Auto soundtrack, but then I thought I would listen and it isn't too bad actually, of course nothing is as good as the original. I'm glad that newer punks have the chance to hear this song in any form. This song and group was my absolute favorite punk band in my high school years. I actually melted a tape in my car stereo. Yes, I had cassettes in high school, what?

Well, that is Part 3, hope you enjoyed it, hope you looked some songs up, listened to them and enjoyed them. If I turned you on to something you didn't know and you fancy, well then I am happy.

Stay tuned for part 4. What ever will he do next?

*this was difficult to get at work all the lyric sites were either using the Fallout Boy version or my company blocked their site. Got it though.

RNM — Part 2 Rap/Hip Hop

2006-05-22T12:04:00.000-04:00

By no means do I want to make me out to be an expert, so if you see something wrong with my list or something that is incorrect, please comment. Now Part Two of my nostalgia.

I had a short stint into the Saturday morning Yo MTV Raps phase of my life and I took some things out of it. Not that I ever thought I would be some hardcore rapper or a free flowing poet, but I had my songs that I admired and even purchased. This is a list that is only those years that encompass my high school years. I don't include people like Boyz II Men, MC Hammer, and the like. I am more than willing to be corrected on all these lists and even here some of your choices. In the meantime, Rap:

10. Bust a Move — Young MC

This wasn't the best rap, but everyone knew it and had fun with it. It was the closest to a crossover in that time as it started moving on to the charts.

9. Children's Story — Slick Rick

Slick Rick had a slightly annoying voice that sounded similar to a low moaning dying animal, but it seemed to work with his sound. This was the song that stood out in my mind

8. Jack of Spades — Boogie Down Productions (KRS One)

Any KRS One song could go here, he was the teacha. KRS One is the guy anyone should listen to when/if they decide they want to listen to rap.

7. I Left My Wallet in El Segundo— A Tribe Called Quest

This one is rather cheesy, but Q-Tip is so smooth and A Tribe Called Quest were the first group that I can remember that infused that jazzy tone that others followed like US3 and Digable Planets.

6. Self-Destruction — Stop the Violence All-Stars (KRS One)

At this time and for years to come there were gangs and hip hop artists shooting other artists and generally disarray, KRS One, Doug E Fresh, Heavy D, MC Lyte, Public Enemy and a host of others put together their efforts to send a message of tolerance. Didn't seem to work, but the effort was there.

5. Me, Myself and I — De La Soul

Like I said, my rap stint was short, but this was one of the lasting groups of that era for me, younger people might know of them as the guys in the Good Feelings Inc. song by Gorillaz. They had a sort of quirky, low energy feel with a funk backing. Not bad on the message either and anything backed my Q-Tip is good with me.

4. No Sleep 'til Brooklyn — The Beastie Boys

In these days, the big thing was to show up at school in your car and thump the living bejeebus out of everyone with your rocking speakers. The deeper the bass of a song the more likely you would play it. The Beastie Boys really dropped the bass in this song and you knew it was the song when you pulled into the parking lot in the morning.

3. Fight the Power — Public Enemy

Chuck D had a gift for a great motivating songs, I think they would have worked even without Flavor Flav saying, "yeah boy" every third line. I have nothing but respect for Public Enemy.

2..Boyz-N-The-Hood — NWA

Okay, not the most open-minded of songs, very pro-violence and misogynistic, but it is damn catchy and NWA was an absolute force and brought forth many names that are still big in Hip Hop circles these days, right Dr Dre? Snoop? Ice Cube?

1. I Got it Made — Special Ed

This is such a personal favorite, Special Ed wasn't ever big or known for long, but this song was just smooth. The lyrics seem to flip around one another like I felt rap should. I would sing this song all over the place, wherever and whenever I could. It made me feel cool to know it.

So that is my rap list of my high school years, I know after the first post you launched in to find out what years they were, well, they were 1988–1991. No need to search the Internet my babies.

The next list will come soon. What will it be? Well, one thing it will be is a surprise!

Retrospective Nostaglic Music

2006-05-22T11:14:00.000-04:00

In Lieu of my *cough cough* year high school reunion this year, I was realizing that I still listen to the music that I loved while driving to high school in my little Mitsubishi. So, I thought I should compile a CD of my favorites and the popular songs of those 4 years.

Of course, I wanted to do a list, I love lists, I am a sucker for those VH1 shows of top 100 this and top 10 that. So I thought I would do a top ten list in every category of my high school years, that means not only what I listened to (although, there will be an all me list), but what my fellow students listened too as well.

I went to high school in a borderline farm town in central Florida so I will also have to delve into the country aspect of my high school too. I, save Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Sr, and very few others, am not a huge fan of country, but for the list's sake I will do my best to do it justice.

Let me start with Top 40 (that is pop, as in popular music) hits, the top 10 in the year I graduated is a good starting point and perhaps a terrific litmus test (I included links to the lyrics for those who might need help in remembering how the song goes).

10. Mama Said Knock You Out — LL Cool J
9. Good Vibrations — Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
8. Right Here, Right Now — Jesus Jones
7. Summertime — DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince
6. Unbelievable — EMF
5. Baby, Baby — Amy Grant
4. Gonna Make You Sweat — C&C Music Factory
3. Coming Out of the Dark — Gloria Estefan
2. Motownphilly — Boyz II Men
1. Losing My Religion — REM

Ah yes, I owned the REM CD, otherwise that list was a shut out for me. I wasn't into dance music that couldn't be heard at The Edge, the club that was for moody teens in Orlando at that time. It is gone now and has been for many years. In fact, I think it was converted into a Country-Western-Two-Stepping-Bull-Riding-Beer-Chugging hootenanny* kind of place. Okay, that's what the US was listening to, apparently, but what about the specific groups? The Goths? The Jocks? The Artsy Fartsy kids?

Well the top 10 series begins!

Oh, I am making this a series as of the last sentence.

*I understand in the truest sense of that word it refers more to folk music than country, but it is just so fun to use old terminology that is outdated.

Walks

2006-05-18T10:50:00.000-04:00

As I have noted before, I live in New York City. I love living here, I love not needing a car and walking and taking public transportation. I have been here 8 years from the car centric Florida were people look at walkers as lepers, freaks, or worse, white trash! There is no pity for a walker in New York, it is the way it is and everyone walks the city. It is the norm.

I have been walking a lot more lately, as the weather gets warmer and it is nicer to be outside. Well, as many know, at certain times of the day the sidewalk become close quarters. You get bumped and brushed against, all part of the daily routine. For the most part, you accept it and you keep moving, acting as if it doesn't bother you and most of the time it really doesn't. This brings me to my point. I need to write an open letter to certain walkers that need some help.

Dear Wild Arm Swinging Walkers,

Hello, my name is Jacob, it is very nice to meet you formally. I did, however, have a run in with your wild swinging arm as you walked. Well, not me as much as my balls. My balls did not appreciate the brutal greeting your wild arm provided and would like to raise a concern about your walking pattern. While you walk, your arm tends to move level with a certain sensitive area of the male body. This is generally not a concern for most walkers, like hunched-over-chin-to-chest walker, hands-shoved-deep-in-pockets walker or frantic-stiff-shoulder walker. You on the other hand can do some serious damage and should show a bit more caution.

Please keep in mind, while I do not plan to reproduce that I have grown quite attached to my testicles and the wonderful feelings that comes when they are not pummelled by a backward swinging fist.

I appreciate any assistance you can provide.

Yours Truly,
Jacob "The one you hammer fisted to the groin" Dalton

Complain-y complainers

2006-05-15T16:17:00.000-04:00

I am in a position in my job where I teach people how to use things that they need to use to work in this particular place. I do not require attention nor do I beg for thank yous, I teach it, if you listen then you will know what to do come time to use what I teach. However, most of the time I get a whiny, "I don't want to do that!"

So for all those who bitch about not wanting to do something, I feel you and I, out of the kindness of my heart, have come up with a list of other things you could do instead of working here:

Dishwasher at Skippy's Shit on a Dish.
Server at Joe's Fish and Grope Shack
Garbage Man in Staten Island
Kid Rock's ball scrubber (really any White Trashy star will do here)
George W's play buddy
Richard Gere's Gerbil (man, that is so old I am lashing myself!)

And the list goes on, seriously work sucks and we are all dealing with it, but suck it up! You are all Ivy League college grads, act like it instead of the prima donna bitches you've become.

A Whole Nother Post

2006-03-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Boss,

I was here before you and I remember it clearly. People would arrive in jeans, T-shirts and smiles on their faces. We would sit around getting the work done and listening to music while conversing about our plans outside of work, our dance shows, musicals, band gigs and stand-up comedy routines. Life was fun, working here was fun. Now? not so much.

I had only been working here for a few months when you came along and "took over" and "saved the department." You brought a bunch of your lackies from your previous job and spouted the previous job's name in every sentence. I've watched for over so many years how you have changes the center, in what you think is for the better and I am very disappointed.

It is hard to say what disappointed me more, but I will list the disappointments in no particular order:

~ Everyone must wear business casual on all shifts. This isn't that bad, I think so people went too far with the casualness of their outfits. On the other hand, when you sport skirts that barely cover your muff and show off your uncomfortably unattractive legs, I find this a bit hypocritical.

~ This department has been divided with you constantly hammering the divide between us. We will title them the "belongs" and the "half-belongs." The half-belongs outnumber the belongs and do most of the work. The belongs are people like you and upper management and a few sprinkled throughout (like me). However, you tend to give huge breaks to all the "belongs" and openly disrespect the "half-belongs." Case in point when the "belongs" were invited to the company Christmas party and the "half-belongs" were not, you walk around the department and whispered (loudly) how much fun it was going to be to fellow "belongs" just loud enough for the "half belongs" to hear.

~ You are not nice. I've heard you say some cruel things about people in this department that would get a normal person fired.

~ You had a hard working "half belong" female here who brought to you a claim that some of the stuff a "belong" was saying in the department was borderline homophobic and it made her uncomfortable. You brought them into a conference room together and had then "talk it out." Two weeks later you let the hard working female go for reasons unknown. The homophobic guy is still here.

So, I ask that you resign. You take another job, far away from me. I was here first, so you move on.

Toodles,
Jake

I guess I am Just Angry

2006-02-28T16:46:00.000-05:00

I thought or perhaps I still think that I am a reasonable person. I really hate to blame New York or anything else besides myself for my anger issues that have sprouted from things that may seem menial to other people. Lately though, I am so irritated at so many things that happen around me so I thought I would write an open entry to anyone who cares to listen, so here goes.

To the people having the conversation on the R train on Feb 26th:

I know you think you are clever and funny, but your jokes weren't that great and the fact that you increased your voice when you told a joke and then looked around for approval and response was sad. Why is it so hard to have a quiet conversation with your friend?

To the teens on the E train on Feb 25th:

I bet you think you are being "Weird," and "Freaking out the people on the train," but you are not, you are annoying and when you get older, you will look on what you did and be embarrassed. You know how I know? I'm embarrassed.

To those at the top of the escalator, everyday:

MOVE!! DON'T STOP!! This staircase is moving and more people are coming up from behind you and there is no where else to go!

To people on their cell phones:

You are very important, we get it. Is there anyway you can possibly talk lower? Seriously, I don't get to hear the other side of your conversation and I am wearing headphones and I can still hear nearly every word you say.

Also, if you can't walk and talk on your phone, move to the side of the sidewalk and let us who aren't on our phones nor impaired pass you.

To the parents with too many kids:

The world is over populated, please, if you must have kids, 2 is fine. There have been many advances in technology and medicine that you don't have to have 10 children in hopes that 2 will survive.

To my boss:

Your make up is horrible, it is unprofessional, you look like a hooker lounge singer coming off a bender while at work. You scare the clients. I could keep going, but there are so many things that you need to change that it would take up another whole blog entry.

To my landlord:

When I call to ask you do something that is required of you, do it. Don't give me bullshit about you not doing it anymore if it happens again. Buying the property and then renting it out makes it your job to deal with the upkeep. If you don't like constantly fixing the same problem, then fix it correctly the first time so that it doesn't keep going like that.

To women who wear loud shoes:

They look good, but they are really annoying. If you insist on wearing them, don't walk behind me and keep my exact pace so I have the click clack bouncing in my head making me feel as though I may very well, snap!

You know what, this goes for guys would wear loud shoes too.

To people who hack up a lung or spitters on the train and/or street:

There are times when I feel like I need to violently cough, but I don't add the hacking of the phlegm to move it to the surface while I am in public. Cough, cover your mouth and wait until you get home to expectorate. That goes for those who insist on hocking a louggie anywhere they please. If you absolutely have to spit while in public, please place it in the gutter not the middle of the sidewalk.

Thanks for listening, I know that if we work together we can all be happy, less annoyed and less stressed.

I Do Nothing.

2006-02-08T17:19:00.000-05:00

I am tired of explaining my stupid job. It isn't easy like a lawyer, a doctor, or a physical therapist. They might have follow-up questions, but they tend to be exciting follow-up questions. It isn't easy to explain what I do.

When people ask me what I do I say, "I'm a training specialist. Well, that is my title." The follow-up questions aren't fun as they would be for a doctor, who might get, "Wow! So you've seen the inside of a body?" or "What's the coolest surgery that you have been part of?" And the doctor would say, "You mean, What is the coolest surgery of which I have been a part?" They would laugh and have a good time. Instead I get, "What does that entail?" Then I have to go into a long explanation about how I sit in a room telling people, who don't want to be there and certainly don't listen, how to use the programs within the structure of the company. Yes, I know even reading this you are bored.

Well, that is it, next time someone asks me what I do, I will reply, "Nothing." They will be like, "Well everybody does something. Are you an actor?" I live in New York, everyone assumes you are an actor. "No, I'm not an actor, it gets in the way of me doing nothing." They will be dumbfounded! They will ask me, "Well how do you get money? How can you afford that drink you are holding? How do afford those nice clothes?" I will be, of course, drinking something and wearing nice clothes. I will look them in the eye and say, "Oh right, can you buy me my next drink?"

I used to be a bartender back in the day. That was actually cool, when people asked me what I did, I would just say that I was a bartender and there was no explanation needed. If they didn't know what a bartender was, I just assumed I was in a Mormon church and backed out, slowly.

I'm not going to quit my job anytime soon, but I am not going to talk about it when people I just meet want to make small talk with me about what I do for a living. I know you are thinking, why not make up something cool like a Fireman or a Animal trainer. No. I do nothing!

I, Jacob, masturbate. And I like kinky sex.

2006-02-02T18:07:00.000-05:00

Your left hand is broken? Use the right. Both hands are broken, use a pillow or a mattress to simulate the feeling. Everyone masturbates, those who tell you they do and look embarrassed, they shouldn't. Those who say they don't are lying, they find a way to do it and just don't call it masturbation. I am tired of those holier than thou attitudes about sex and masturbation. I'm tired of people judging other people's sex life because it doesn't fit the spoon-fed, middle American, society norm of what sex should be.

Let's start with that word, the word normal, which should always be read or heard as "normal." What the fuck is normal? Who has the balls to tell everyone what normal is? It is a ridiculous idea that changes every few feet you walk.

I know there are a lot of you out there who think that the craziest thing you ever did sexually is doggie style and then there are going to be those who say, "What the fuck? Doing it from behind is disgusting and sad! Something must have happened in that person's life that makes them need it from behind to be fulfilled, it is sad." Bullshit, it feels good. From what I am told, both for the pounder and the poundee. Anal sex, bondage, submissive, and gay sex feels good to more than one person or there wouldn't be websites and magazines dedicated to them.

A larger scope of the world is needed for many things to understand. Certain foods we would never eat in the United States, they will eat them elsewhere and vise versa. Customs are different from place to place. Perhaps it is because I live in such a forward thinking place as New York, but I don't understand why people would people get up in arms about things that don't even interfere with their bedrooms.

I have advice for those who feel the need to rain on someone else's parade: kindly shut the fuck up. Seriously, you don't have to go out of your way to find a sub or an anal partner who may or may not like to be tied up, you can go to any local church and find your hole in the sheet, missionary lover and leave the delicious depravity to us.

Because I know that if both my arms were gone, I would find a way to masturbate.

Really, I kind of went on a rant there, all I wanted to say is that I enjoy masturbating. Oh, and also fuck you sick-o lame people with your sick-o lame sex.

You are a Tool.

2006-01-26T15:29:00.000-05:00

Here I sit in my wide open space, my boss has called out sick and his boss is constantly visiting to make sure his "team" is doing their work. She is painfully obvious in trying to be subtle.

My new place is bad, we all agree in my "team." She keeps coming back and saying things like, "Wow, this is nice right?" It is so open and not as tight as where you were!"

About the third time back in the 3 hours she had been here, she asks me, "Are you unhappy?" I am thinking this is one of those moments in the corporate world where you need to suck it up and say the right thing, so I chime in and say, "Well, to be honest, I'd rather be in my old seat." She didn't have much of a reply and walked off. Maybe I will be getting my pink slip tomorrow or soon.

Look I understand, this was not her decision, but the constant trying to make things better by making false statements about our current situation compared to our previous one is annoying and somewhat insulting. I wanted to say so much more, I wanted to tear into her corner office and cut it down by two-thirds and place walls up where she couldn't see out her two giant windows and then ask her, "Isn't this better?"

The rest of my group was happy, because they thought that maybe me saying that would keep her away for the rest of the day. I hope so too, even if it cost me my job. In fact, in my current position, people can probably read what I writing right now. I just don't care.

Smaller, smaller and smaller

2006-01-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

It was so glorious to work in the back, secluded corner of my office, with a picturesque window in front of me as I looked upon New York City and namely the Empire State Building. Those days end as of this week. Was I fired? No. Laid off? Nope. My department is being moved, but not only am I being moved to a desk far from a window and in the line of upper management traffic, I am losing massive amounts of space. It might as well be a demotion.

Up to today, I have 5 drawers and 2 overhead cabinets, by Wednesday I will have to consolidate all of that into 3 drawers. That is right, 3 drawers to hold all the stuff that had fit into the previous set up. I am one of those people that does not like a lot of things on my desk cluttering it up, I like a clean slate, I like the tidy look. In fact, I tend to throw things away that I'm not sure I have the right to do.

I sound like a whine and complainer and it is true, I have it better than many, so I should shut up, suck it up and deal with it. I should take the un-lubed shaft of management up my ass and thank them feverishly and ask for more. I am a corporate man and I have to take the corporate vice to my corporate balls.

I am honestly trying to think of all the possible positives, perhaps people will visit me more, maybe I will be more inclined to learn new things and figure out new issues. Perhaps this will piss me off enough that I might, just might do something to get out of here and actually find something I might actually like to do. Or at the very least, find a job where management uses lube.

Post-dream Remorse

2006-01-19T14:44:00.000-05:00

It was a dream, but watching my girlfriend get double penetrated was hot, unfortunately I wasn't a part of the equation.

I wake up from the 9 minute snooze inbetween my alarm goings off and I am erect at the dream I just had.

My girlfriend and I went into a swingers club and not even a couple minutes in, while I am looking at the sign up sheet, where I choose if I am a top or a bottom or it doesn't matter, I turn to find my girlfriend being fucked from behind by a very attractive man, while at the same time strapped up and pounding a very beautiful woman in front of her. Then, with some creative shifts, my girlfriend is now being double penetrated. I have yet to choose my preference.

The alarm goes off and I wake up, but I am hurt. I am hurt, because, although it was so hot, I wasn't part of her first double penetration. I go through my morning process of showering, dressing, brushing, and eating and feeling very glum. Finally, I think, "It was a fucking dream! What the fuck am I depressed about!"

This isn't the first dream that I woke from and felt the effects long after being awake and had to tell myself it was only a dream. Is this just me? Do other people have such vivid dreams that they question the validity of them?

That feeling was jealousy, I didn't think I had it, but I do.

A Brief Story or a Brief Misunderstanding

2006-01-13T12:55:00.000-05:00

Sunday, football, beer, food, it's all good.

I can't hear well, with the 5 different games all being played at the same time in a little Saloon on 23rd St. I am enjoying the largest bottle of New Castle Brown that I have ever had and the company is a long time friend of mine, with whom I can enjoy a day of football.

At the beginning, neither one of us were sure we could make it work. It was the day after New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, in fact. We were both hung, but we hadn't seen each other in quite a while nor had we seriously sat down and watched football all this season.

We ate and that improved our spirits greatly and then the waitress asked if we wanted anything to drink. We looked at each other with a slight tinge of fear, but also a bit of desire to have a beer while watching a manly sport such as football.

My friend looks at me and says, "How about a Michelob Ultra?"

The thing here is I thought I heard something completely different, I thought he said a, "nipple of a vulture." I had never heard of a, "nipple of a vulture," but like many drinks in the business, there are strange names, so I ask, "Is that a shot?"

My friend, not knowing that I misheard him, says, "I thought you were a bartender for a long time."

I, admittedly over defensively, replied, "Well, I don't know every shot!"

The Tickets of Putnam County

2006-01-10T18:31:00.000-05:00

76 miles per hour doesn't seem that fast anymore, especially when you are just moving down the fairly empty highway. It feels a lot faster when you see an officer of the law has already pegged you. It takes what seems like forever to get from 76 to 65, what one might think is the speed limit, which is only to prepare you to slow to zero and on the shoulder.

Oh, all the expletives were launching out of my mouth as the rental car rolled to a stop on the side of Route 22 in Putnam County, NY. I was hurried to think how fast I was driving, but I had no clue. What did it feel like? Regular. Can I answer "regular" when the officer asks me the worst question, that everyone hates and police must love to ask, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was going regular officer."

I see him pulling on his Royal Mounty looking hat and strolling to my window.

"Howdy, how are you today?"

"Fine thanks, you?" (inside: "Fucking pissed, this is going to cost me money, how do you think I am?")

"Where are you headed, skiing?"

"Yes." (inside: "How much? How much? How much? Ask the questions!!")

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

"65?" (inside: "What is the fucking speed limit around here and how fast was I going?")

"76! 76 in a 50 zone, " he seems insanely cheery throughout this ordeal and it is an ordeal for me.

"What? Isn't this a highway?" (inside: "What? Isn't this a highway?")

So now I am watching him through my rear view mirror checking my license, calling it in and ultimately writing the ticket for God knows how much. This takes, what seems like an eternity. I feel like I should be reading or something, but I just stare at what I can see of his facial expressions in the mirror as if that is going to tell me something of my fate. I am gripping the steering wheel so hard that my hands are starting to ache enough to shake me from my daze. I release the wheel and shake the redness from my hands. Slow writer? New fangled printing machine? Problems with my license? Warrant for my arrest? What is taking so long? I see the hat going back on, here he comes.

"Now I'm going to give you a break, I said I clocked you at 70 mph instead of 76."

"Thank you." (inside: "A real favor would have been a warning.")

The officer, who quite honestly, has been nothing but pleasant through this whole experience quickly recites the typical ending of the ticket giving process like a waiter who has said the specials so many times that he drones through it. I, still dazed, heard none of it. I put the ticket in my glove box and continue with my trip. Continue suddenly very aware of every speed limit marker and how fast the car feels and the speedometer.

Days later, I am ready to pay the ticket and send it in, but oh no, there is no price. There is absolutely no clarity either. Am I supposed to report to court? There is a message on the front and back saying that I can mail in a plea of not guilty with the payment, but there is no dollar amount that I can see. There is also, on the front, something that says, "YOU ARE HEREBY DIRECTED TO APPEAR IN THE:" and then a listing of an address and date. The front contradicts the back. I might add that the address is hand written, poorly. There is no phone number nor website listed anywhere on the ticket, just three little words that frustrate me, "Uniform Traffic Ticket."

I live in New York City, 57 miles away from Putnam county. I do not own a car. I just want to mail my penalty in, take the points on my license and move on. I can't. I call the New York State DMV and it seems, according to their automated menu, that they don't consider Putnam County as part of their territory. I have to search the Internet to get information on the DMV of Putnam County. Like this DMV is the lead singer that had to make it on his own. I finally track down the number, stamps already on the envelope, and it is too late that day. I get the automated message that the offices close at 4 during the week.

Day two of the "trying to figure out how the ticket works" begins a slight bit onimously. I called the number of the Putnam County DMV but I just got empty rings. While it rang, I stared into space thinking about the Podunk town office with one desk and the rotary phone that sits on it blasting the old-timey bell. I hang up. I call back in 15 minutes and this time I do get someone.

Turns out that the Putnam County DMV is as unfamiliar with the process as I am. I feel as if I am the first and only person who has ever recieved a speeding ticket in this place. They are not unhelpful though, giving me the number to the courthouse in the Town of Southeast. I was assured that they would know.

The goose chase continues. At this point I am not understanding how this system is better than the rest of New York State. It is elaborate for such a small town. I dutifully write down the number and hang up the phone truly thinking that this is never going to end. I quickly pick up the receiver and dial the given number and someone answers immediately.

"Courthouse."

I am taken aback, because I am use to all automated responses at the beginning of every call I have made so far.

"uh....oh hello," I regain my composure, "I received a ticket in the great County of Putnam in the lovely Town of Southeast and there isn't an amount on the ticket and I am feeling that there is a lack of clarity on the said ticket. Now am I supposed to send the ticket in with a plea of guilty and then the fine gets sent back to me?"

"Yes, they do not fine you until you plea guilty to the ticket..."

Oh sweet heaven, a straight answer with succinct clarity. I have been longing for this since the moment I first addressed the ticket.

"...I could tell you how much it is though, would you like to know?"

"Yes please," and I give all the details of the speeding.

"It will be $180 and 4 points on your license. If you want you can send in a cashier's check for the amount of $180 with your guilty plea."

$180. $180. Wow. A cashier's check and guilty plea placed in an envelope and two 37 cent stamps later, I am relaxing and set at ease that I have completed this process.

Side Note: I used two 37 cent stamps because stamps had increased to 39 cents over this weekend and I couldn't find anyone with 2 cent stamps. Besides they were given to me, for free. A small token to make up for the $180 lost to Putnam County.

Snowboarding Jake

2006-01-10T12:50:00.000-05:00

So, yes, I am 32. I am past the high school years, the two stints in college and I have even been in the work force for over 7 years. I'm not a teenager nor in my twenties, but I still have to be reminded of that. I pause to think when people ask me, "How old are you?" My instinctual answer 25 , but I stall and then say, "Older." Then there are times that scream to me that I am in my thirties.

This past weekend, I went snowboarding. The last time I went snowboarding I was still in my twenties. Granted, 29, but had that twenties fervor. So, this weekend, I chugged, slid, and, for all intents and purposes, fell down a mountain for 4 hours. Within this period, I became very aware of my body, more so than I have been in a long time. I felt the way the shoulder attaches to the torso, the way the quads stretch down across my upper thigh and to my horror how my head feels being bashed against the rocky terrain.

With all that, I still ended the day in a flurry of excitement and claimed that I had defeated the mountain and was feeling confident that I could go back the next day and defeat it yet again.

Home for the evening, a few glasses of wine, a nice salmon dinner, good conversation and off to dream land for me with the thought of waking early and donning my snow clothes for another go at Mount Bashmehead.

Somewhere in the moments you rest, your body catches up with your brain and discusses the lack of desire to do it again. I'm sure your brain at first is trying to tell your body, "No, you'll want to in the morning, it is a good workout and you'll thank me for it!" The body continues the protest. The brain remains determined, "You ended the evening so strong and most likely you will fall less tomorrow." The body realizes that it is going to take an extra strong bit of convinces and conspires to send a shock to the brain in the morning. Dirty, evil, conniving body.

The alarm sounds, my eyes open with the thought of more white powder and slush to conquer. With zeal I go to raise my head and...Well, a shock is sent to my brain that even my gray clump can't deny nor ignore. "Whoa, " I think. I lay my head back down and roll to the side to get more leverage and perhaps use my hands to raise my all-of-a-sudden heavy head up off the pillow. My neck feels direct pain under the weight of my head. I am replaying every fall in my mind at that moment and there is one glaring collapse that is now on constant video loop in my mind. Whiplash? Could it be? I try to turn my head. ZAP! That is the pain that is zipping along messages to my brain as if saying, "What did we tell you?" Then the rest of the knocks and bumps join the revolt with every movement. The right shoulder slumps, the inner thighs buckle, the feet and ankles are numb with the exception of a jolt every 10-20 seconds.

What makes this alarming, is that this was my seventh time snowboarding in my life and the first time I had this much pain. That's when my age came screaming into my head as if my body parts were chanting it in unison beyond the picket lines against my brain. "32! 32! 32!"

Two cups of coffee, three pain killers, protein, an alchemist's combination of Icy-hot and Ben gay later, I am dressed and in a car on my way to the slopes. I am driving when I am ready to change lanes, I turn to check the blind spot. Pop! Too quick on the neck, the brain loses, the body wins, I make a U-turn and return to the house. There will be no return trip in this day, just healing.